Feedback on a piece of writing (CAE/CPE writing practice)
Submitted by Maria Victoria Ferrer
Task:
“Write an article describing a river and its effects on the
people who live near it.” Use approximately 200 words.
Plan- Title with a catchy phrase
- General introduction about the topic: river ( the river Ganges )
- The scale of Ganges and where it is located
- Its importance in history
- Its importance in culture
- Today's relevance in the economy and commerce in general
- Pollution
- Final conclusion and wrap up
Feedback from CPEsamplewritings is in color red.
“The River” (title is not catchy at all!)
Flowing through India and Bangladesh, the Ganges river is
today one of the most important natural flows of water in the
world(,) not only due to the fact that it is the third largest river
in the world (repetition) by discharge but also because of its
cultural and historical relevance that are far larger than its
2700km of length. Good intro but too long, 4 lines would be
enough. Punctuation needs to be checked, as there are no
stops or commas.
“Ganga”, as Hindus call it, is a place where many people
practice religious rituals because they consider its waters to
be sacred(,) so public bathing is not an uncommon thing to
see. (a paragraph should not be shorter in length that the
introduction).
see. (a paragraph should not be shorter in length that the
introduction).
Furthermore, Ganga has also been a gateway for commerce
for many centuries and it still is in the present. Locals use it
to transport goods to other regions and also take advantage
of its fertile soil dedicating to agriculture.
However, it is also known to be very contaminated and
polluted. It is the fifth most polluted river in the world.
Sewage from many cities, industrial waste and garbage are
the main sources of pollution and it has been suggested to
be the cause of around 80% of all illnesses in India.
role of imponderable importance in the history, economy,
and culture of India. The time has come for its society to
make changes in their lifestyle and industries in order to
preserve it.
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