CPE 2017 writing exercise plus feedback

Hello, I just wrote this essay and I would really appreciate your opinion about it.

Maricarmen Ortega

Question

Read the two texts below. Write an essay summarizing and evaluating the key points from both texts. Use your own words throughout as far as possible, and include your own ideas in your answers. Write your answer in 240 – 280 words.

Fashion is full of contradictions

It is beyond dispute that fashions plays an important role in social and cultural life today. Since it has such power, it is natural that questions are asked about its role in society. The fashion industry has always said that it gives people the freedom to express their unique individuality, even to experiment with alternative identities. However, critics argue that fashion dictates to society what should be considered beautiful and elegant, and ultimately encourages everyone, especially the young, to dress in similar ways. It is this very ambiguity that makes fashion fascinating and which can also provoke hostility.

Is fashion for everyone?

There will always be those who say that fashion is trivial and that obsession with it is the sign of a second-rate mind. But despite this, it is hard to believe people who say that they are not interested in what they wear. They may mean they are not interested in fashion, and believe that following the latest trends is a waste of time. They look for comfort and a reasonable fit in the clothes they buy, and that is sufficient. However, there is something shallow about asserting you don’t care what you look like, because in your heart of hearts you know it isn’t true. Appearances do matter, when, most of the time, they are all we have to go on.

My essay:

No title?? 

(Feedback: always a good idea to write a title)

This essay will examine some very different points of view about the world of fashion, such as its importance in our daily lives, the argument between critics and fashion industry owners, the shallowness surrounding this world or how it can be something that might help expressing one´s individuality. (Feedback: Focus and make it clear and simple. The essay is not really about "the argument" between critics and fashion industry owners... or the "shallowness" of fashion. Say just you are going to discuss whether fashion is for everyone).

The first text argues whether fashion allows people to express themselves in ways that approach the artistic expressions we are used to in paintings, sculptures or literature or if this so-called freedom is something that industry CEO´s dictate changing its canon of beauty from season to season, especially influencing the young. My opinion is that however free we think we are when it comes to fashion, obviously we all follow its trends and try to adapt them to our daily lives, however it´s stunning how young people acquire what should be mere suggerences in fashion as rules of thumb and replace all their wardrobes every season. (Mistakes are in red)

In the second text the question is whether fashion is trivial or not and no matter how uninterested one can intend or pretend to be it´s worthless for fashion and physical appearance are really important in our current society. (Sentence is too long) My personal opinion about it is that it´s not such a shallow world as it may look like.  It takes a lot of effort and work to design pieces of clothes that are soon to be replaced by newer pieces with newer designs. Fashion also helps some people to define themselves and maybe overcome a tough moment providing them with a positive sensation when wearing that special piece of clothes that has taken such painstaking time for the designer. I think it´s a harsh world, for its soon obsolescence and the pressure CEO´s in big companies put on their designers and employees, which should be considered all as highly valuable assets. (This paragraph is long. And your opinion is far too long. Try to balance text and opinion. You opinion can not dominate the whole paragraph).

Maybe it´s those CEO´s the ones that really dictate what is worth wearing or not each and every season. However, we should always follow our tastes despite what trends set. This way fashion would indeed express oneself individuality, which is its main purpose. (Hard to see the connection between the info in the paragraphs and the conclusion).

Feedback

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Keep the hard work and try to really summarise the essence of the two texts in your writing.